Week 13 The In-Laws

Let's get down and honest about this. Had I had this lesson and learned a few of these things a few weeks ago, I would have not caused undue hardships in my relationships with my children's spouses.  Live, Learn, ask for forgiveness, move on. DO NOT REPEAT.

I learned this week in my class that being a good mother-in-law means listening closely, offering only advice when asked and making sure that my child has gone to their spouse before asking me.  I also learned your adult child will make decisions for themselves for their family that is needful for them.  The more I put my 2 cents in the more I may drive them away from me all together.  Married children need to have their own experiences and solve their own problems, unless parents are invited for input or support.

In Creating Healthy Ties with In-laws and Extended Families, James Harper and Susanne Olsen say that, "Parents who try to create a climate of safety in which children can express their feelings about how involved they want to be will have the greatest potential for positive influence in their children's and grandchildren's lives.  When married children are treated with respect and love in this matter, they are more likely to want to spend more time with parents and extended family.  Demands, expectations, manipulations, ultimatums, threats and emotional blackmailing tend to strain or destroy relationships."  I believe it is simple respect for your adult child's relationship with their spouse and respect for the individual adult child as well that can do wonders for your relationship.  Helping your child cleave unto their spouse will help you as a parent stay close to the couple without too much enmeshment. (Enmeshment parenting describes a style of parenting that can cause problems in your child's successful development of their own personality, ethics and values.)

As a mother-in-law I need to learn to accept the differences in my children spouses and build healthy relationships with them by including them in our family and extended family.

It's important for the child's spouse to improve relationships with in-laws by setting boundaries to help for a happy and strong marriage.  Having better communication with them also sends messages that they value their relationship with you.

Forgiveness is always necessary when feelings are estranged and to help move forward.  Forgiveness and letting go of horrible feelings that have been harbored from the past.  In time trust will build again and with effort an improved relationship can grow.

Now - go make nice with some In-laws.